I used to have this poster in my dormitory cubicle at school.

art and culture, Uncategorized

Why do I get these mad ideas into my head and work on them as if nothing else matters?

Why don’t I trust politicians or believe in priest’s?

Why do I like porn and why don’t I ditch it by the wayside? Why don’t I ditch alcohol (again) and leave that by the roadside too?

Why does long term employment evade me and why don’t I like employers?

Why is it I see through their shit and then tell them about it?

 

Why don’t I watch the news and buy their newspapers?

Why don’t I grow up and stop belching and finding toilet jokes funny?

Why don’t I stop farting, or can I even stop farting?

Why can’t I have something more simple than ADHD, why or why oh why do I have so much energy?

Why don’t I appreciate that ‘awful’ school my parents sent me too?

Why did those policemen let me go?

Why did that fool eat that bat?

Why is Donald Trump still alive? Why do they both have stupid looking hair?

Why does Jackie have a sn***le? and Why oh why have the owners of this web platform changed the layout and the way it all works? (WANKERS)

Why am I writing this shit? Why am I calling this SHIT shit?

 

 

 

 

 

WONDERING FREE ( LIKE A W*MBLE)

Autobiographical

Wondering what to write, how to write it and then going to do the garden instead, such is my life at the moment. Thinking about what to paint, needing a change of artistic direction and then having feelings of hopelessness and being lost.

Discovering this site is up for renewal and the bank says no. It is raining outside and now it is blue, can I ever bloody win? In truth I have actually changed my working day I paint in the day time and do laptop stuff upstairs in the evening. In the in between periods I do bits of garden.

Clearing out old stuff I have no use for and making space cause no one else is going to do it, I may well find some more long lost things along the way. Seriously thinking about doing a regular vlog, J says it would be a better medium for me to communicate my thoughts as things can get lost in between my brain and my fingers , this just causes confusion and is no good for anyone.

Wondering, (I wonder a lot) what I shall be studying for next years bout of university, something I enjoy naturally and again something I can actually write about without drowning in syrup. ( Not literally) This new setup they have on WP is Peeing me off it wants to do strange stuff when I least expect it and already it has devoured one lot of writing and refused to give it back, now it is refusing to start new paragraph’s. If J was here she could probably fix it, in the meantime I shall have to learn myself a new skill and decide I need a drink when it is done. J is better at giving up the booze than me, the stuff once made me violently ill… Nowadays.. ?

I shall have a mug of tea instead.

THE NON DEMON DRINK.

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

J is going to hospital today, she will probably be away for a good four weeks maybe a little longer. In many respects I ought to be going with her but due to various constraining factors that is not currently possible. You see we both have the same condition in that we live with excruciating anxiety disorders that can make life unbearable at times and we both like to drink, Alcohol helps deal with the anxiety but it does not help with the depression we both live with, we medicate ourselves with depressants when we both take anti-depressants, which rather defeats the object of the initial exercise in taking the medication.

Up to around three years ago I had not had a drink for ten years or more, then I had a drink and in that time have managed three days without drinking not bad on 50+ units week average.

It is never the money that motivates me to stop, though this time I may well make the exception to the rule and enjoy having something to put aside each month. I also look forward to saying good bye to the hang overs and the shakes and generally feeling a lot healthier. I shall also be looking to get some kind of counselling or  go to AA meetings. Something I did not do the first time around.

I have found, as may some readers that when I choose to do anything in the affirmative to make positive steps to clear up my act, it gets poo poo-ed and people say it is your Irish blood  or that’s not much. It has nothing to do with your ancestral blood or the intake it is an addiction which is like any other illness you have to admit there is a problem before you seek help and then have the fortitude and willingness to undertake the cure.

I have J she is in safe hands, I also have the cats they don’t know I have an alcohol issue but are a great comfort at any time of day or night.

A TRUE STORY ABOUT GETTING DRUNK

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

This article is about Alcohol and the effects it has on the male teenage brain. It may get quite graphic so if you are of a sensitive disposition, please read on.

I only remember the beginning of this story and it’s subsequent aftermath. The bit in the middle was given to me by various third parties with whom I was at school with when it all happened.

My old school was a boarding school, a fine English public school (the sort where you pay to be educated) One of the perks we had was being allowed out of school bounds at weekends to go into the local town and socialise. In other words get drunk. It was around Mid October and an acquaintance  was celebrating his birthday and wanted to do something special to mark this happy day. It being a Saturday, and boring it was decided the best thing would be to go Midsomer N (The local town) and get drunk. Just like most weekends actually, Bath being the other option.  there were four of us the birthday boy who shall be referred to as B. A Spanish guy called M  and then there was C.  Another person declined, he said at the time he thought something awful would happen. He was right.

This is the point where the story becomes unclear. All I know we bought the drink and went out on top of the old slag heap. I remember a bottle of Coconut and Rum based drink in a white bottle. A bottle of nice Red I had pinched from my Dads wine cellar. I still have a morbid dislike of Coconut’s and their odour to this day. The Bottle of Red was Spanish and probably quite expensive. There would have been other drink as well. Most likely Whisky and Beer.

I do know we sang Happy Birthday as per tradition, we also sang it in French, though probably not very well. With writing My memories of this day seem to be coming back to me. Maybe there is a healing taking place here. I always recall C as being squeamish, it was not hard to make him gag and I do recall wanting to go toilet, I squatted behind a tree and probably used Pine needles. (gross, but necessary) The next bit? The turd was impaled on a stick and I chased my fellows around the summit of the heap. C went Green and gagged and the toilet got spread around a bit. I ought to mention here that my sense of humour can be somewhat inappropriate. Or at least used to be, it’s nice to think I have grown up a little bit since then.

I seem to recall some of the locals and their motorbike and C attempting to ride it. Something about loosing the clutch handle that rendered the thing useless and the owners being annoyed. This is what I recall and partly what was said to me later.

I do not remember running down the side of the heap and pulling a moony at a couple of Policemen. If you do not know what a moony is, it is the exposing of ones naked backside to some unsuspecting individuals or group of people. I guess choosing a pair of coppers was a bad idea. As was vomiting on their boots,  the same could be said for telling one or both of them to. “Fuck off Pork.” When they tried to pick me up.

According to the other witnesses the police wanted to take me in or at least back to the school, which being very noble and proper minded would probably have resulted in all sorts of bother. Anyway the offer was declined reasons being it would cause all manner of trouble, expulsions and that sort of thing. I would like to apologise at this point to A, M and C for the trouble this adventure must have caused. I have no idea how they got me home, but I did hear the  driver refused to take the unconscious, vomit covered public school boy, on his bus. So I guess they must have dragged/ carried me back ‘home.’ A distance of about 3 miles, it must have been nightmarish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taking good care of yourself is a good idea

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

I have not been looking after myself of recent, Tonight’s training proved that. Normally I have a high pain threshold,tonight even small blows were agony and halted me in my tracks, I had to stop and surrender to resting and being honest with myself.  I have not been sleeping either waking up at ridiculously early times with only 4-5 hours sleep and not being able to go back to sleep. Sometimes I do not sleep at all, or it seems that way.

TBH I have been drinking a little too much of recent without any let up, apart from at work. Today I have had (and still have) the worlds worst hangover. I wake up feeling stiff and sore and my left hand side is wracked with pain when I awaken. I do not want sympathy, I need TLC and plenty of personal care.

I am glad I have found the space to do some writing, as I cannot paint at the moment, maybe from the alcohol or is it the time of year and it all just pisses me off. Xmas is never the best time for me. The whole thing pee’s me off. Probably the lack of sunshine. Maybe a combination of different factors. I ought to perhaps get out and do some gardening, rake up the leaves and get some fresh air in my lungs,having spent more than enough time indoors and very little out of may well be a factor.

In other things, I still have a job. (miracle) And I have gained a little more weight. ( The garden will help deal with that) Today I tidied up the spare room and rigged up the old desktop PC as a backup for the laptop. I shall be posting some artwork soon. A friend of mine recently died, at least she is free from pain and suffering now.

WHILST LISTENING TO BRUCE

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

So since the last job fell through or should that be since the universe wanted something else of me. Actually enough has already been written about this time, So it is better to write of something else.

My efforts at looking for re-employment have been minimal half of me says go look the other half says PAINT and so it is the still quiet voice withing that is followed and the lure of an employer fails to attract me to its baited line. Call it lazy or call it whatever,painting brings me a great sense of peace and probably helps one  deal with the torments of ADHD and mental ill health even the job centre have an appreciation of these things and they know me quite well in that place so much so I may as well apply for a job there, they may even employ me.

Brandy is a highly addictive substance, my Mum warned me about it many years ago and I mentioned this to her a few days ago when I was down that neck of the woods. She promptly warned me again. I think she noticed how much I was drinking and it’s pointless denying it I drink just a little bit more than is sensible, or is the bottles are not big enough? One or the other, I have yet to establish which.

Other news, a career in the creative sector appeals to me, preferably self employed and I am applying myself diligently to this. It would be  nice to have a studio to work from or maybe I can use the greenhouse, it’s big enough for sure and has plenty of light coming in. I wonder what the cards would say to such an idea, actually I went to check a place yesterday, it’s not great but a step in the right direction for sure. teaching art to the greater community and sharing ones skills in encouraging others to be creative with paint. Yeah.

Sophia loren is a beautiful woman. However my fiance J is just that bit more so. x

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I was looking for a job and I thought I had found a job

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

And heaven knows I could be miserable now.

It seems the cycle is doomed to repeat itself and the career to end my career is not that one. Again I find myself unemployed and twiddling my thumbs, this morning was pretty awful had a really black mood and was feeling most depressed. You have to look at the bright side of things and consider they only gave you three weeks annual leave and that could not be taken all at once. So that’s a real sod if you are planning on getting married and taking your lovely wife to be on a honeymoon somewhere and planning to help your Father in law repair the house, because you said you would and it’s a way of getting to know the him better.

This and other things I have been brooding over for a little while and the answer has been provided. So should I be happy or should I be sad. and I’m not happy and I’m not sad. At least I have discovered I like doing admin.

I have this unfortunate habit of telling people what I really think and it comes to the fore when I have been drinking. The hotel we were put in last week was a glitter covered turd.  Bugger all in the way of vegetarian food, and that was below par, the beds were rock hard… I was going to complain I cannot now be bothered.

I have been listening to the Smiths and Morrissey a lot of recent, can you tell?

I always thought the smell of that Formaldehyde or whatever they use gets up my nose and did not want to leave. I am glad to leave it behind, though I am curious about the pink stuff in that jar in the cupboard.

Jesus was a black man

Uncategorized

It is nearly the second week in my new career. I can at least say I am happier than I have been in a long time. Did I say that last time? So what if I did. I managed to drill though a pipe today. (Again)  and to top it all the hedge cutter blew up, it gave out a big bang like crack a shot of electric light and the smell of smoke. I think it is now broken.

I miss not being at work, but am enjoying the warm weather and  have been doing stuff about the garden. J is doing well, this makes me a lot happier and puts a lot of stresses to bed. I can at least sleep peacefully,even if I do need to get up at some unearthly hour to pee, I am at least sleeping properly.

FOR ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK HE IS A WHITE MAN

perhaps I am drinking a little bit to much right now, but a lot less than I used to, Should I drink more tea. The administrator in the office is married to my manager.  They are both nice people and I have bruises from training.

Jesus was a black man, anything else is ridiculous.

To bury the dead is one of the corporal acts of mercy.

 

Some of this has been published elsewhere

Autobiographical, Uncategorized

There have been major changes since i last posted anything on here. Virtually all the naked women/porn has been removed,it looks cheap and tacky. My websites have all been amalgamated into one, making things easier to manage look after. I am out of work, actually this is a common issue, hopefully it is changing. I do not know the World record for numbers of employers in a working career, I’m sure I am pretty close to it, if not the unofficial holder. Does anybody know the real figure?

I am back in the Mother country now, the weather is windy and alternates between sunshine and rain. A bit like my mental health. The cats are all well and as demanding as they ever were, they seem to smell a bit, seeing as I have been away and cat free for so long. Has anybody else experienced this?

J and I speak everyday, several times a day actually we are missing each other horribly, but it spurs us on to bring our lives together faster and more permanently. I went for an interview a few days ago, it was a little nerve wracking, stepping out of my comfort zone and into an unknown environment. I am leaving retail behind it was making me sick, the anxiety issues were getting stupid to the point where I was frightened of leaving the house, in case I flipped and clobbered someone. The tablets are still working, The drinking has calmed down and makes me quite sleepy with even a “little”. I am sleeping properly.

220px-Beethoven

I aim to do something creative today or  even a couple of things. I have some ideas and things are beginning to take form. I have been inspired by some of the waterfalls in the Tompkins County/Ithaca area of NY State. I would like like to paint them “En Plein air.” at some juncture. I have deferred from Uni until October, to give myself time to get better. They are going to give me extra support and that, which is nice.

The sun is shining, it looks to be a nice day…. Coffee.

When in the States

Uncategorized

I have been away from home for the last four weeks. No I have not been in hospital though at times I do feel that would have been a good place to go and escape to and hide and do whatever it is that people do there. That was actually more than four weeks ago and at times i felt so mixed up I was unsure what was going on, so I wrote about shotgun cartridges instead.

The tablets are I think helping, maybe even the drink. Though the amounts I have poured down my throat of recent are probably way over any recommended guidelines. This has resulted in some serious insomnia, waking up at silly hours, going to bed at silly times and  not being able to rest, let alone sleep. Not good.

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I have had the support of J at this time, we are living at her apartment in NY state a far cry from my home turf. The weather here does funny things and the weather forecast seems to change every five minutes. Snow, rain , high winds or whatever else. We even have sunshine.

Creativity has been off the menu for the duration, apart from now and like it or not I have to prepare to go home at the end of this week. We are planning on getting married when our finances improve.

We recently bought each other a pair of dolls, or is that I bought myself a doll and another one for J. She wants to name hers (the yellow one) Jimmy Mischief. The other one is Hillary. I hope they form a healthy relationship together. Though Hillary needs some boots to go out in.

J has recently done her Reiki level 2.

I love her ever so much.